Personal development can be a minefield of messaging that tells you that you are broken and need fixing. Even though you aren’t and you don’t.
Today I’m talking with Creative Mastery Mentor Samoa Blanchet about how the personal development space is holding women back, how to make the mindset advice we see online actually work for us, and how to use that advice to leverage our creative potential.
In this episode:
- The red flags used in marketing messaging from personal development coaches
- What you should look for in a coach before working with them
- The results you should realistically expect to see from working with a coach
Listen to the podcast here:
How To Fully Leverage Your Creative Potential with Samoa Blanchet
Welcome, welcome. I’m very excited to have you here today.
I love connecting with people in the most random of ways. And sometimes Facebook only shows you five people that you’re friends with on Facebook, so I love when people pop up with very profound things, which is how this conversation came about.
But before we jump into all the details of that, tell us who you are and what you do on the internet.
My name is Samoa Blanchet. I’m a launch acceleration consultant, so I specifically work with people who have products that are going to disrupt an industry, who want to accelerate the launch, and amplify the results of that launch.
I love people whose genius is in launching because that is not my genius at all.
The infamous Facebook post that got us into this space together was something very profound that you said that I had never thought about before. I love when I read posts that unlock some shit for me because I like to think about things. Your posts really made me think.
Samoa put up a post that said the personal development industry is problematic and it holds women, and I would probably say any marginalized community, back by telling them that they need fixing. Like, once you fix this thing, then you can have what you want, which is what we see in diet culture. We see it in so many different parts of our society. As an avid consumer for many years of personal development books, who never felt like I was figuring all my shit out, I was like, I’m not broken. I don’t have to wait to figure this out. Mind blown.
I was just a little mind blown emoji, staring at my phone. I love that heartache and I would love to hear more about your thoughts on that.
When I started my first business, I didn’t know anything about personal development. I just needed to make money and I had a skill. So I decided to market it. And the very first day I launched my business, I got my first client and things were going really, really well after that. Until I met my first mindset coach, who was actually a client.
She told me all about my potential and what I could do, what she saw for me, and she invited me into one of her programs. I was humble enough to know that I don’t know everything. So I decided, let’s see what she has to say. And I ended up working with her for maybe a year and a half or two years. And she was brilliant at a lot of things, mindset things. I was able to work through a lot of things.
So I’m not saying to give up hope or to ditch personal development, I just think there’s a very unhealthy relationship that we form with personal development, especially if you’re a marginalized person or you’ve had past trauma in the way you were raised or in your relationships where you’re used to being abused.
There’s a very abusive energy with the personal development industry because you’re constantly working on yourself, trying to fix yourself to meet the next income goal, or to deserve XYZ or to deserve to have this. And that’s really what all the marketing is about. It’s like, if you want this, then you have to fix your mindset or fix your perspective or fix your energy. And then once you fix those things, you’re going to get that and what I noticed is that once I bought into that and started buying all the books and became that personal development junkie, my results got worse...once I bought into that and started buying all the books and became that personal development junkie, my results got worse. Click To Tweet
Right. The same thing happened to me. I started my business sort of by accident because I had just moved to another state. And it was kind of like, I guess I’ll just do this thing on the internet to make money and then I found a mindset coach. A business coach, but a big part of her coaching is mindset.
She used to say these things and they seemed so profound, but I think they just spoke to the part of me that has a lot of trauma that was like oh, if I’m not getting the results that I want to get that means that something’s wrong with me and I have to fix that. Until I fix that I can’t have the thing that I wanted.
There’s so much I’ve talked about. so many different things that came up for me that I have busted through as I’ve worked through mindset stuff, and personal development and all that shit. Because a lot of it is rooted in patriarchy and racism, and all this other stuff that we’re being sold.
Once somebody told me the reason you’re not getting what you want is because there’s something wrong or you’re doing something wrong, and there’s something wrong with you…that’s what my brain heard. My brain said, Oh, I’m broken, there’s something wrong with me. That’s why I’m not getting what I want.
I think this is such a good conversation to have, because you’re going to run up against a type A perfectionist, who has trauma and it’s just the way that your brain works that you take that message and you assimilate it into something that’s not really what the message is trying to tell you.
I don’t agree with that. I’m not saying they’re intentionally doing this, but most people’s marketing is not them saying, Oh, you’re processing it differently. They’re literally saying, until you buy my thing, you’re not going to have what you want.
That is marketing in general, too, right? That’s the bro marketing that we’ve all been exposed to. It’s like, until you do this thing that I’m telling you to do, you’re just going to keep being as miserable and sad and lonely as you are right now.
Precisely. The thing that annoys me about the personal development industry, though, is that people pretend to be better than that. They pretend to be better, but it’s just dressed differently. It’s the same pile of poop, but it’s got glitter on it. They spray perfume on it, but it’s the same thing.They pretend to be better, but it's just dressed differently. It's the same pile of poop, but it's got glitter on it. Click To Tweet
The language is different, too. The language that they use sounds so much nicer.
It’s very loving. It’s very “feminine”. It’s a little more feminine audience, but it’s the same message.
It sounds very woo and very caring and nurturing. And I think it draws people in.
Especially traumatized people.
Please fix me, kind lady.
Yeah, I want to feel loved. I want to feel cared for and I came as someone who participated in it unwittingly, which is why I’m saying it may not be people’s intention because it definitely wasn’t my intention. But it is what I was taught to do.
I know that my work is valuable. I know that it can completely change people’s lives so it made sense to tell people Oh, you’re going to be stuck forever until you buy my thing. At the time, it made sense.
Plus, I think the people that teach it, that it’s worked for them. Luckily, you teach something that’s worked for you. I’m sure there are assholes out there who are teaching things that didn’t work for them, but like you said, you flip to coaching because you tried something and it worked for you. And you found that thing to be really profound, so you decide to teach it to other people without thinking about the fact that you’re a different person.
This is not a one size fits all solution or industry. The way that you’re teaching something might in fact, be very harmful to someone else. I have worked with multiple mindset coaches, one was literally abusive, but all of them have the same message of [my least favorite thing that anyone would say] “you just have to decide to change”.
What does that even mean?
The last mindset coach I worked with, bless her, was an amazing person. So supportive. But she’s just serving the same thing that everyone else is serving. She used to say stuff like “you just have to decide” and I’m like, ma’am, I decided many years ago that I no longer wanted to struggle with these things that I’m struggling with. There is executive dysfunction happening in my brain and there’s no amount of deciding that will move me beyond where my brain is and how it is operating. I need additional help beyond somebody telling me to decide.
Yeah, the personal development energy she wanted to be was to be really supportive like that. I think that’s what it wanted to be, but it missed the mark completely. Because when I realized that with myself, that it’s not about fixing someone, it’s actually looking at how the person can best be supported in creating what they want.
I used to do a lot of coaching and mentorship. I’ve worked with people who had mental disorders and things like that and it wasn’t about fixing yourself or going to see a therapist or to just decide. If you’ve decided and you still aren’t doing the thing, why aren’t you doing anything? And approaching things with more curiosity. Not from a place of judgment but why aren’t you? What’s going on? What’s actually happening? How can we mind-hack our way into creating what we want? Or how can we give ourselves more grace or more love and more support to allow ourselves.
I noticed that once I started giving that kind of support to my clients, things worked more easily for them because when they realized that they didn’t actually need fixing and that they could just allow themselves to be, and that what they wanted was inevitable, they started doing what actually felt more natural to them. And they started finding their way. The way that works best for them instead of trying to make some system work just because it worked for me. Because we’re not the same. We’re not the same. We’re all very different.I noticed that once I started giving that kind of support to my clients...they realized that they didn't actually need fixing and that they could just allow themselves to be. Click To Tweet
Yes, things are going to hit us differently. Our energy levels are different. There’s so many nuanced things about how you operate and what works for you and why. There’s a lot of also mindset stuff out there, as I’ve gone back to therapy, there’s a lot of mindset stuff out there that tries to parade itself as therapy without actually being trauma informed. And that is very harmful.
If you’re a mindset coach listening to this, first of all, we’re not telling you that you’re a bad person. But please do not try to mindset coach people who need therapy. I feel like there needs to be an awareness to identify, I’m not what you need but that you need a professional therapist who is a doctor who has gone to school to help you.
There are some things you cannot mindset your way out of. And for me, it was a lot of childhood trauma. And I spent many, many years reading books and taking personality tests and trying to process this childhood trauma on my own but I hit a wall.
I remember talking to someone and I just hit a wall. There was an invisible barrier that I could not get through. Because I had consumed everything about personal development you could possibly consume. I was at the point where I was just reading the same thing using different words. It was the same concept over and over and over, because I’ve consumed my way to the end of the road. But there was still this barrier. And I just realized, oh, that barrier is childhood trauma and I needed a different set of skills to help me through that. Once I realized that, it was so much easier, as you said, to be like, What do I need? Why is this happening to me? And to nuance it for myself, based on what was coming up for me.
I actually saw something recently about this. I’m very good at processing my emotions with my brain, but not actually healing it. And this therapist said to feel your emotions in your body. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do.
What a lot of the mindset stuff teaches you is to process it with your mind, but your mind can’t actually process it. So you keep going through this loop again and again because what actually needs to happen is for it to be processed through your body. Someone who is not trauma-informed or who isn’t a professional therapist will know that. And that’s another thing that I do with my clients.
I had a client with severe body dysmorphia and for that reason, she couldn’t be visible because she had dysmorphia. And at first I thought it was insecurity and I told her how beautiful she is. But when I realized it wasn’t just basic insecurity, it was actual dysmorphia that she was feeling, I realized I was not equipped to handle this. To give her advice on this.
I don’t want to give you advice and for it to be wrong and to cause further trauma for you. And I don’t want to push you outside of what you should be pushed out because you don’t need a push. You need someone to understand what’s happening and guide you. And recommending talking to somebody who is informed around this because I’m not and it’s even in my contract. I’m not a therapist. If you have mental disorders, please see a therapist. I read a lot of Psychology Today articles, but I am not a therapist.
Psychology is fascinating but we don’t know what we’re doing.I think the biggest thing is that you can market and sell without telling people that they need fixing. Click To Tweet
We don’t know what we’re doing and we are not trauma-informed.
I think it’s very important for consumers to be aware, but also the leaders in the industry to be aware of that and realize that they’re not all-knowing. They’re not gods and if it’s truly about helping people, then it’s okay to admit that you may not know what’s going on or what you’re doing in certain areas.
I think the biggest thing is that you can market and sell without telling people that they need fixing. Because yes, that is the one way that we’re taught. Not only do you build deeper, more intimate relationships with your clients that way, but they last a lot longer because they actually feel safe with you, because you’re not telling them they need fixing. And then the types of people you end up attracting are the people who want to get things done. They know they don’t need fixing but they do want your perspective and want what you have to offer.
Usually, from my experience, those people end up paying you a lot more, and then being a lot more committed and dedicated to the work anyways because they’re not coming from this place of missing something. They’re coming as fully realized, fully actualized individuals who just enjoy your perspective and want to pay for that.
Yes, because I think there’s something about when you enter into a working relationship like that where there’s the message of “you’re broken, I’m going to fix you”. First of all, that’s an abusive relationship. If you got into a relationship with a man or a partner, and you were like, I’m going to fix you, everyone would look at you and tell you to run away.
You enter into something and you have the expectation that this person is going to solve all of your problems, then you’re probably not going to get out of it what you thought you were going to get out of it anyways. No matter what kind of relationship it is, whether it’s a personal one or working one, if you have this expectation that they’re going to make you different, it sets up the relationship for failure.
I think one of the most interesting things that you said in the posts that we connected about was that you don’t need to wait to fix your money mindset to make a lot of money, because there are a lot of unhappy millionaires and I was like, Oh my God, that’s so true.
I think I got a newsletter today in my inbox from somebody who was like, women have a huge problem with the idea of creating wealth for themselves and future generations. And I think that’s really true. I do think there’s a lot of money mindset people that we as a society have an issue with, but so much of the message that I got around money stuff was “you’re thinking about money incorrectly. This is how you should think about it instead” when really, you get a lot of messages from society as a woman. And as women of color, y’all are getting even different messages than white women about how we should relate to wealth and what we should think about that. What we’re “allowed” to have. There’s so much mindset work you could do about what society is telling you about what you’re allowed to have.If you got into a relationship with a man or a partner, and you were like, I'm going to fix you, everyone would look at you and tell you to run away. Click To Tweet
Even with the money mindset, people are still telling you how to think and feel about money. You grew up and society told you certain rules around money. You’ve learned certain rules based on society and your experiences. The thing that the personal development industry is trying to teach but isn’t really doing because it can’t, is trying to teach you is that you have a choice. That’s it. You get to choose, but if it truly empowers you to choose, then you won’t need it because it’s constantly telling you that you need fixing.
So if you get to choose the rules and you get to choose how you go about things and you get to choose everything, then you don’t really need a money mindset coach telling you how to think about money because you get to choose how to think about money. So for me, for example, as a woman of color and I’m an immigrant who came here when I was seven, I have all of these rules. All of these things that not only did my parents teach me, but also society taught me about how money works, what money is and how it should be and how you should act with it. Have I changed my money mindset? Oh, yeah, I have. But I haven’t changed it by working with some money mindset coach to tell me what money is or how money is because, honestly, most of them don’t really get it either. They’re just regurgitating stuff that they learn from someone else who’s learning.
Right? You learn the thing that works for you, and then you teach it to someone else, which may not necessarily work for them.
Exactly. So what I ended up doing was getting curious about money. What is my perspective of money? Which perspectives about money don’t serve me? Which perspective would serve me best? I’m going to practice that now. So if I had this perspective that money is inconsistent and I’m never supported by money, then I want to have a perspective that I always have more than enough money and it’s always consistent. That is the mindset I want to adopt. I’m going to practice it by giving my brain the experiences of that.
That is not a money mindset coach doing it for me. That is all me noticing the pattern or belief structure that doesn’t serve me and choosing a new one. That’s where you choose one that serves you, and then practice it. It has nothing to do with a coach or anyone else. Absolutely nothing.That's where you choose one that serves you, and then practice it. It has nothing to do with a coach or anyone else. Click To Tweet
The longer I’m in business, the more I have friends who are making a lot of money. They make a lot of money every year, doing whatever it is they do online. And I think one of the most fascinating things as I’ve gone through this journey, is that there’s one thing that every single person has in common who makes a good, steady income. Whatever their backgrounds are, whatever their thought processes are, however they like to take action, they all have one thing in common and that is when something no longer works, they change to something else. And that’s it.
That’s exactly what you have to apply to literally everything that you do in your life. If you try something from a mindset guru or a personal development guru, or whoever, if it doesn’t work for you, that does not mean that you’re broken. It does not mean that you did it incorrectly. It does not mean that you fucked it up. It just means that it didn’t work for you and you try something else.
That is something that I’ve noticed that is like a universal truth of people who are successful. I don’t necessarily love to use that word, because everybody defines success differently. But the universal truth of people who do really well, based on their own definition of “really well”, is the fact that they adapt. They try a thing, the thing doesn’t work, and then they try something else. And that’s it.
They don’t make the failure mean anything about them. Instead, they say, that didn’t work. Let’s try something else. I have an interview coming out next month about anxiety and how to use it as your superpower. It pairs the idea of feeling your feelings in your body, like we were talking about earlier, because it’s so crucially important. When it stops feeling good, then you do something else. And that’s okay. Don’t worry about the sunk cost of your time. Don’t worry about the sunk cost of the money. If it’s no longer working for you, cut your losses and do something else.
There’s such a message of not giving up and pushing through and I think a lot of that comes from the personal development space. The idea that if this didn’t work out for you, you just weren’t thinking good thoughts hard enough. Toxic positivity. There’s an episode about that, people.
If that didn’t work out for you, you manifested it wrong or you didn’t think the right positive thoughts or, my least favorite one, if you think negative thoughts then you’re calling it into your life. You are a human being with a human brain. You’re going to think negative thoughts. That’s what your brain is there for, your brain is there for you to think negative thoughts so you don’t die. That’s its purpose.
If you really think about it, you came to this life to be human. To experience being human. And that means having negative thoughts, having setbacks, things not happening the way you wanted them to.
It’s going to happen to everyone. Welcome to humanity.
You’re going to experience challenges. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how successful you are, how much mindset work you’ve done, or how advanced you are in your personal development. You are going to have challenges because that’s part of life. It’s part of being human. It’s the triggers.
This is what I think is the good side of personal development. Even though I see all the negatives, I still have my own personal development mentor and continue to work with her. I grow for myself. I challenge my perceptions, my beliefs, because I want to become more of me. Because I know that I grew up being told who I am and I never really got the chance to figure out who that is. So I’m doing it to define who I want to be. Does it help me make more money? Sure, yeah. Does it help me have better relationships? Yes. Does it help me with my health? Does it help me achieve my goals and be consistent and do those things? Yes, because I’m becoming more of myself.
The reason I choose to grow isn’t tied to a result because I deserve those results now. As the person I am. When you really ask yourself and you’re chasing this carrot on a stick, when does the chase end? When do you actually become good enough to deserve whatever goal it is that you’re chasing?When you really ask yourself and you're chasing this carrot on a stick, when does the chase end? When do you actually become good enough to deserve whatever goal it is that you're chasing? Click To Tweet
I think it’s so important to clarify that we’re not saying that you have to do this by yourself. We’re not saying you should never work with someone in the personal development space ever again. We’re just saying that if something doesn’t work out, it’s not because something is wrong with you. And anyone using language like “let me fix you” may not actually be the person for you, because you’re a nuanced person.
When you work with somebody, despite the fact that you see the issues in the online space, that’s because you know what you need out of that relationship. Because everybody needs somebody who’s just going to gut check them every once in a while. Even the most enlightened people. I’m sure even Jeff Bezos does. Maybe he didn’t consult anybody about the dick rocket, but he goes to people and he asks, are you sure this is a good idea? I’m sure Jeff Bezos does that. Does he need to know he seems to be doing just fine, but I’m sure he does.
Everybody in the world needs someone who’s a gut check for them because your brain is sitting up there going, Well, if we do this new scary thing, we might die. We don’t know. We might get eaten or die of embarrassment. We don’t know. Are we sure we want to do this? So you go to the person who’s available to gut check you and they’re like, what’s coming up for you? They can help you talk through it. You don’t have to do this by yourself. It is not a solo journey we’re telling you to take. This is about how we think about the personal development space and what it is we’re really looking for so that you can find what you need in the personal development space. And then once you do that, then you can work with someone who can help you leverage your creative potential and become more yourself.
Yes. I love that. When I hired my mentor, I hired her from a place of ‘I need you to fix the result. I need you to fix me.’ I didn’t tell her that straight up, but that was my premise. She started working with me and she shared her perspectives and the more empowered I got, the more I realized I didn’t need her at all. I don’t actually need her in the way that I thought I needed. I don’t need her to make money. I don’t need her to grow my business.
All the growth and all of the experiences that I want to create, they feel inevitable. They feel like it’s happening because I’m the one making it happen. And I can trust myself to do that for me. So why am I paying her? I sat down and thought that I don’t need her but I really like having her there. It makes it easy.I sat down and thought that I don't need her but I really like having her there. Click To Tweet
As soon as I have a fear or a doubt or I’m gaslighting myself, I can go to her and say, hey, I’m experiencing this or I’m experiencing this fear, especially if it’s something that I can’t move through on my own. I have this person I can talk to if I have an idea. It’s having someone to brainstorm with and throw ideas around with. That’s very, incredibly valuable to me.
The fact that we’ve been working together for over two years now, she knows me really well. She knows how I get in my own way. She knows how I create delays. She knows me. She knows I’m getting way too much in my head. And it sounds very logical to me, but it’s actually not. She knows all of that.
You don’t experience as many delays. You don’t experience as much suffering through this process of creating what you want. When you start looking for a mentor or coach, you’re not going from a place of, I need you to fix me. Because you are whole enough to create this thing on your own. The only reason you’re looking for another person is because you want a partner.
Similar to romantic relationships. Why do we get into romantic relationships? Because we want to grow. We want to experience life with someone else. That’s why we get partners and friends and all that. So why would it be different with someone who you choose as a mentor or coach? It’s the same reason. It’s to have someone as a creative partner who’s there with you. Who’s just as committed to your journey as you are and who’s there to reflect things back to you when you need it. That’s literally it.It's to have someone as a creative partner who's there with you. Who's just as committed to your journey as you are and who's there to reflect things back to you when you need it. Click To Tweet
It’s like paying someone to hold space for you. You can get that from friends but at the same time, it’s valuable to pay someone to energetically and mentally and emotionally hold that space for you. So that when you are having those moments, you are leaning on a person who is in a space to be there for you.
Sometimes when you go to your friends with a problem, your friends are going to reply through the lens of their own experience. And I’m not saying that coaches aren’t going to do that. But I feel like when you are in a transactional relationship, like you have with a coach or a mentor, they are better able to put themselves into a headspace of being a little bit removed from the situation. I know you and I know you really well, but I’m going to do a better job of not letting my own personal shit color what I’m about to tell you. I don’t know if that makes sense. It makes sense in my head.
It makes sense but I don’t fully agree. I do think that the experiences of coaches in general are going to color their perspective. But that’s what makes them valuable. Because when you’re choosing a coach, what you can do is choose one whose perspective you value. So for example, with my mentor, her perspective is approaching everything through unconditional love. So that is something that I want to give. I knew I wanted to give myself more but I want to give more to other people. And I was very curious about it.
When I started looking at her stuff, I was like, Oh, this is interesting. So I started working with her and her perspective. Whenever I have a situation where my ego is getting in the way, I think how do I approach this with unconditional love? She’s taught me that perspective. And I’ve taken it for myself.
There is a nuance. Everyone is going to have to come from a specific perspective and the lens of their own experiences. It’s inevitable as a human being. A friend is going to be more attached to the decisions that you make than a professional that you’re working with. What I’ve noticed with her is that I will make the same silly mistakes again and again and she seems to be amused by them. She’s not really as attached as a friend would be.
I think what I was trying to say is that when you go to a friend, and you ask for advice if you’re struggling with something, typically a friend will be like, well, this is what I would do, which isn’t necessarily what you want or need in situations like that.
A friend is literally letting whatever comes out of their mouth be colored by what they would do. They’re putting themselves in your shoes. Whereas a coach is a little bit more removed from the end result. She’s a little bit more removed. And so that’s a huge value in paying someone to hold that space, rather than just like cultivating that in your friend group. Not that my friends aren’t amazing, but I know that there’s advice that they give me that comes from them where they’re like, Oh, I would never do that, so that’s the advice that I’m going to give to you.
If I need a specific type of response, I’ll go to this friend group. But if I need another response, then I go over here. So it’s valuable to hold a space. I think that just like the gist of this conversation, as with any conversation that I have on this podcast, is that you have to almost approach personal development with a sense of, take what resonates for you and leave the rest. Find what works because that is how you survive in online business, in general. But also in life. You find what works for you by exposing yourself to something, taking what works for you, and leaving the rest and then not making that mean anything about you.You find what works for you by exposing yourself to something, taking what works for you, and leaving the rest and then not making that mean anything about you. Click To Tweet
Yes, you’re going to grow and learn through all of your experiences. So obviously, the point of listening to podcasts like these is to be more aware and be more educated as you’re making choices and decisions. When you’re looking at people and you’re choosing people to listen to and to even work with intimately, be really aware of what message they are telling you and they are sending to you. Are they truly empowering you and telling you that you’re amazing? If you’re already there, you’re already on the path, and here’s something that could help you. Here’s something that could make things easier or faster or better.
Or are they saying you’re not good enough. That’s why you don’t have what you want. It’s because you’re not good enough. So here’s my thing to make you better. Here’s my thing to make you good enough. Which message are they?
I like to cleanse the people I follow because which message are they giving you? Because your inner child doesn’t need that. Your inner child has had people telling it that its entire life. So you don’t need any more of that. And having very supportive people telling you Wow, you’re amazing, you can do this, I believe in you, you have everything you need to do this. It completely changes your perspective of yourself and of the world.
Yes, absolutely. 100%.
Your post in general was everything that I had been thinking about personal development that I hadn’t been able to put into words, because I was looking back through some old episodes, and I’m like, Oh my God, I’ve been weaving this message in here for a long time but I didn’t really know how to say it.
One thing I realized is that I have this habit of taking a personal development book and only reading the first half of it and then putting it down and not finishing it. And what I realized is that if you look at any personal development book, the first half is laying the mental groundwork. Here’s the problem. Here’s how people are reacting to this problem. Here’s a bunch of scientific research, because I prefer to read things that are based in science. The cure is a bunch of research about different things that happen and how this shows up and how this affects populations and different people. And then the second half of the book is usually how to fix it. Here are the actionable steps you can take.
I was going through my Kindle books and all the personal development books I’ve read over the past year and a half or two years when I realized that I only read the first half of these books. Almost all of them were sitting at 40% to 50%. I have been naturally doing this, where I read the part that gives me more information about the thing and then I decide how I assimilate that into how I show up. I’m not a chronic book un-finisher, but this is exactly how I prefer to take in this information.
I was really literally reading a book about patriarchy and how it shows up and how it affects women and how we make decisions. And then also intersectionally, how it affects women of color, and there was really fascinating research in there that I cannot stop thinking about. And I realized having that knowledge in my brain has changed how I show up and think about things and do things. I personally didn’t need the actionable steps that came later. Because the information from the first half of the book was what I needed to be able to take that and assimilate that into what already works for me. And it was just like adding another layer.
If you’re a person who doesn’t finish personal development books, have no fear, you’re probably doing what I was doing.
Your brain absorbs information from your environment and then it tells you what decisions to make based on the information you absorb. When you have a specific topic and you start understanding things or you start understanding yourself better, like why do I do this? Do I want to keep doing this? With no judgment, no shame, none of that. It’s just curiosity and then you make the choice. And your brain will tell you, Oh, here’s how I can do this. Your brain knows what to do. That’s why the message is so false that you need to be fixed because you came with a brain that has all the skills required for you to grow.Your brain knows what to do. That's why the message is so false that you need to be fixed because you came with a brain that has all the skills required for you to grow. Click To Tweet
Plus, I think a lot of those books don’t address executive dysfunction. They are not addressing how you have to change and tweak their advice based on what works for you, based literally on how your brain functions. And I think that that’s just another layer of harm that pops up when you have these conversations, and you are doing this work because my brain doesn’t work that way.
What is that Miracle Morning stuff where they say to get up at five in the morning? I’m not a person at five in the morning. I will not get up at five in the morning. I will not be a more productive person. I will hate everything about the day and I will be tired by 3pm. I will not do it.
I experienced the most freedom when I stopped trying to force myself to wake up at a reasonable hour. I stopped having an alarm clock. I went to sleep when I was sleepy and I woke up when I felt like I wanted to wake up. I try not to schedule meetings before noon to give myself plenty of space.
My cutoff is 11 right now, but I’m not a person before 11 in the morning. Don’t try to make me be one. All of these things about waking up at five in the morning and having a cold shower. I don’t like cold showers.
I like to be hugged. You don’t have to do that again. You don’t have to do these things to be enough. The whole point of life is for you to live it the way you want to live it, not the way someone tells you you should live it in order to meet some weird standard in order to deserve something. The only reason that these methods work is because people believe that they work for them. So they’ll think, I took a cold shower this morning and that’s why I closed that sales call. No, it’s because you’re a good salesperson and you’re good at what you do.
Maybe also your brain was like, we just need to wrap this up. We’ll get back in bed and be warm now. I know that I personally have immense privilege. I don’t have a partner. I live by myself. I don’t have any children. So I have a lot of freedom when it comes to designing my schedule. I know that there are moms or parents listening to this and they don’t necessarily have that. School starts when it starts and we’re really sorry about that. But that doesn’t mean you have to get up at five in the morning.
I have a friend who has kids and one of her kids goes to daycare and one of her kids is homeschooled. He works pretty independently. So she gets up with the kid but she’s like us and would prefer to go to bed at two in the morning and sleep until 10, but she can’t because she has a kid who has to be at nursery school at eight o’clock in the morning.
So she gets up, she takes him to school, she comes home, and while her older son is in class, she crashes and takes a two hour nap. And that’s what works for her. That’s what she needs to do.
I have another friend who likes to wake up at six o’clock in the morning. I don’t understand it, but she does. But she also takes a nap every day from noon to two o’clock. You have to do what works for you. There is no one size fits all. So if there’s any advice that I could give to you in the course of this episode, when you read something or listen to a podcast, take what resonates with you and leave the rest. Because finding out what works for you is the way that you leverage what you have. That is the way that you can show up as the truest version of yourself. Rather than taking someone else’s method that works for them and trying to make it work for you.Because finding out what works for you is the way that you leverage what you have. Click To Tweet
You’re trying to squeeze yourself into somebody else’s box. They have a box that’s shaped for them and you’re trying to squeeze yourself into it. And you’re shaped completely differently. Build the box that is shaped for you.
If you need more guidance, search for a person who has had similar experiences to you. I think that’s always a great place to start. I personally do not like to take advice from people who have partners with other incomes. Especially when it comes to money advice. I hate leap advice from people who have partners whose salary will pay all the bills if their leap fails spectacularly. I choose not to listen to those people.
Seek out people who are similar, have similar experiences, or people whose values are similar. And I think you’ll end up in a place where you’re getting advice from somebody who understands either your unique experiences or knows how to empathize with your unique experiences, because I think that’s really important, too.
Human beings just want to be seen, heard, and understood.
I agree with the empathize part because you can work with someone who has had different experiences from you, but who can still empathize with you and understand your perspective and where you’re coming from.
If you go to somebody for advice and they immediately tell you what to do, that’s a huge red flag. But if they’re like, What do you want? What’s really bothering you? What’s coming up for you? Why do you feel like you need my advice in the first place? What are you searching for? What are you truly seeking? When someone is asking you questions, they’re actually guiding you to find the answers in yourself.
They may add their opinion, but they make sure that you reconnect to yourself first, so that even if their advice doesn’t resonate with you, you’re so connected to yourself that you’re like, Oh, thank you, but that doesn’t resonate. I think I’m going to do this instead, which is even more empowering.
It’s really important to have people who are different enough to give you a different perspective, but can either empathize with you or are similar enough to understand you and to be there with you and to support you as you’re going through life.
Thank you so much for coming on today. I really loved this conversation. Your post broke my brain and then fixed it again. It was definitely something that has been on my mind for a long time but without words to say it. I think this is such an important conversation to have because I have done a lot of myth-busting and bullshit-busting on the different things that come up in the mindset space andI think this was a great continuation of that conversation. I really appreciate you being here today.
I really enjoyed this conversation. Thanks for inviting me.
About Kia Young
Samoa Blanchet is a Creative Mastery Mentor and host of The Creative Mastery Podcast. She works with Creatives by challenging who they believe themselves to be and what they think they can create so that they strike the perfect tone with every expression of their unique work.
After working in the Graphic Design Industry, Samoa realized she had a greater Creative Potential to fulfill and now uses her Signature Map, The Creatrix Method to guide her clients through collapsing time and fully leveraging their creative potential.